Home Fires Page 4

  “Wake up, baby,” she whispered. “Wake up! Come back to Mummy, Maggie.”

  She rocked Maggie’s cold body all afternoon. She sang and told stories, just as Jim had done the night before. And she rocked. And rocked. She was only vaguely aware of Jim arriving home from work. He cried out and cursed as he rushed towards her. Annie numbly allowed him to gather Maggie into his arms. He laid the small body tenderly on the bed and covered it with a sheet. He then came back to the kitchen, picked Annie up as if she were a child and sat with her in the rocking chair, embracing her tightly. His body heaved with sobs, but she could do nothing but stare at the floor, numb. They stayed in the rocker throughout the night.

  Annie was paralyzed with grief. On his own, Jim arranged for the church funeral service, chose a small coffin and bought a plot in the church cemetery. Annie was dimly aware of Jim’s own sorrow, but she couldn’t console him. Her own pain devoured her.

  Annie’s mother visited with Bobby but told Jim she’d keep the baby a little longer. She was quite happy to care for her little grandson and enjoyed his company, she said, but she could also see that Annie needed her own mother. Annie dully watched Jim fend for himself. He made their meals and urged her to eat, with little success. He stopped by Mary’s every day after his shift to play with Bobby. Annie was aware that he was trying to engage her but she could not feel anything but pain.

  After three weeks however, Annie’s mother strutted into Annie’s kitchen and set Bobby on her daughter’s lap. “This baby needs his own mother, Annie. For heaven’s sake, stop wallowing in your grief.” She went to the window and flung open the curtains, which had been drawn since Maggie’s passing. “You are not the only one who has lost Maggie. And you are certainly not the only mother to have ever lost a child.” Her left hand went to her throat to feel the pearls. She took a deep breath and said, “You need to care for your living baby, now.” Mother wiped away a tear and left the house. Annie stared at the closed door a moment then mechanically placed Bobby in his crib.

  Annie went about her days in a fog. Jim cared for Bobby each day after his long shift at the copper works. He said he was happy to bathe and change his little son but was worried about her coldness towards the baby. “Snap out of this, Annie! Bobby needs you!” She just shrugged woodenly. When he passed the baby to her so he could prepare his dinner, Annie took him but promptly placed him in his crib. Bobby cried pitiful sobs. Jim swore and picked the baby up again, patting his back to soothe him. He looked at Annie with incredulous incomprehension. She knew she was getting too thin and her skin had lost its glow, but she didn’t care.

  One day Jim arrived home earlier than usual. Annie was weeping in the rocking chair and Bobby’s voice was hoarse from crying in his crib. “For God’s sake, Annie, d’ya not hear your own bairn?” Jim swore as he gently picked up the screaming child. Bobby’s face was dirty with dried mucous and trails of tears streaking his cheeks, and he had a sopping wet nappy. Jim bathed his son and dressed him with a clean flannel shirt. He held the baby close to him and softly whispered, “Da’s home, wee Bobby. Dinna fret.” He left Annie where she was and took the baby outside, slamming the door as he left. Some small part of her knew that she was detached and neglectful, but she felt dead inside.

  After another week of preparing his own meals and caring for the baby following a full day of work, Jim confronted Annie. “Annie, I know that you’re mournin’ for Maggie. I never knew that I could love a bairn so much, an’ I can’t understan’ how God could take a wee lass. I miss Maggie too, but ye have to take better care of yersel’ an’ our baby.” Tears streamed down Jim’s face. “I’m tired of puttin’ in a full day’s work, preparin’ all of me meals, and findin’ our son desperate for any attention when I get home. Ye have to pull yoursel’ together. Do you want to lose this child, too?”

  Annie looked at Jim, silent and unresponsive. Jim threw up his arms in disgust and stomped out. Annie paced around the kitchen for an hour, then checked on Bobby and went to bed. She lay there replaying the evening in her thoughts and could not sleep.

  Jim did not return home until after midnight, with whiskey on his breath. He crawled into bed but turned his back to Annie.

  That night Annie had a vivid dream. Her father appeared to her. He was still the handsome man she remembered, with his thick black hair parted to one side, a smart moustache and a goatee. He was wearing his good dark jacket and vest with a white shirt and bowtie. His familiar light blue eyes gave her comfort. She realized he was trying to say something to her. As she looked harder, she saw he was holding Maggie in his arms. He told Annie that he found her and that she was bonny. He said Maggie looked like Annie had when she was little. Maggie wiggled free from his arms and sang, twirled and danced around her grandfather. Her father smiled and said, “Thank you, Annie,” and then faded away.

  Annie woke up with a start and got up to check on Bobby. He was sleeping soundly, so she went back to bed, but she could not get her dream out of her head. In the morning, she picked the baby up and felt warmth towards him that she hadn’t felt in weeks. As she cuddled him, he reached up to touch her face with his tiny fingers. She realized then that she had been afraid to cherish this child as she had Maggie. She kissed her baby’s chubby cheek and whispered, “Bobby, my sweet little boy, I’m so sorry to have neglected you. I do love you.” She cried remorseful tears as she held him close.

  When Jim woke up, he found his breakfast ready and his lunch packed. Annie was singing to Bobby while she rocked him. He quietly approached his wife and son, and gently kissed the top of the baby’s head. She placed the sleeping baby in a wicker basket and took Jim’s hands in hers.

  She had planned to tell him about her dream, but in that moment she decided to keep her precious dream to herself. Instead, she said, “I know I’ve been bloody selfish. I’m ashamed to have made everything harder for you. I promise I will make it up to you both.”

  He didn’t reply. He gave her a weak smile and left for work. She looked at his untouched breakfast and wondered if he would ever forgive her, or love her as much as he once did.

  Chapter Seven

  Annie worked hard to prove to Jim that she wasn’t sliding back as she tried to be to her old self again. It was much simpler to win Bobby’s affections, which made her feel even guiltier about her neglect of their baby boy. She knew that she had withdrawn from everyone after losing Maggie, but she couldn’t bear to have Jim withdraw from her. She did love him and was so sorry to have caused him more pain.

  Jim’s celebration of the birth of their second son finally assured Annie that he had fully forgiven her. The baby looked identical to Bobby, both children chubby-cheeked and blessed with their father’s blue eyes. They christened him John, but were soon calling him Jack. Mother visited almost daily, often finding time to play with Bobby or go for walks with him while Annie was nursing Jack.

  Annie’s brother Alfie was skilled in woodcarving and made beautifully crafted toy boats and horses for his nephews. Her mother often took Bobby to the seashore so he could play with one of his miniature sailing ships. He had become a quiet, introspective child and could amuse himself for hours. Annie noticed that the summer sun had bleached Bobby’s hair. He was losing his baby fat, and growing taller.

  Although they were happy, Annie and Jim struggled with money. One day, after her mother and Bobby returned from another walk by the seaside, Annie resolved to seek Mother’s advice. She made a pot of tea and gave Bobby a biscuit to eat while he was playing on the floor. Jack was asleep in his crib, content with a full belly. Annie studied her mother. She was heavier now but she was still an attractive woman. Although a couple of widowers had asked her to marry, she had told them all she was not interested. She maintained that she would never love another man as much as she had loved Annie’s father. “Jim works so hard at the copper works,” Annie began, “but we barely have enough money to live on. I’ve offered to find a job, but he got angry at the suggestion and he absolutely forbade it.” Sh
e looked down at her tea. “He’s never spoken to me like that before.”

  “Now Annie, you know that a man would be frowned upon if his wife worked. It would hurt his pride.” Mother patted Annie’s shoulder. “Besides he’s a good man, Annie, and doesn’t waste his wages on drink as some husbands do, or some sons,” she added with a sardonic smile.

  “Yesterday he came home with a government pamphlet, advertising cheap farmland in New Ontario, in Canada. He thinks it would be a way to make a better life for us.” Annie knelt to wipe the crumbs from Bobby’s hands and face. “I know that he’s always wanted property and we both dream of owning a house, but I don’t want to move so far away.”

  “It’s not so frightening to move to a new country. Remember, Pappa and I moved from Norway to make a better life.” Annie shook her head. Norway wasn’t nearly as far away as Canada. “But don’t fret, love,” continued Mother. “Jim may just be dreaming out loud.”

  “You’re right, Mother. I’m likely worrying about nothing. The children are healthy and we’ve enough to eat. I should count my blessings. Did you and Bobby enjoy your walk?”

  “Well, poppet, he’s such a quiet, serious little boy. I find that I have patience with him that I never had with you or your brothers. We’ve had a special bond ever since I cared for him that month.”

  Annie felt the familiar guilt burn through her as she remembered how she had neglected Bobby. Mother glanced at her and patted her hand.

  “Bobby’s a wonderful, clever boy, Annie. You’re doing a fine job raising your children.”

  Annie knew it would take a lifetime to make it up to Bobby. She feared the family would never get ahead. Every day was such a struggle and she just wanted to give their sons a chance at a better life. But fate had handed her another concern that compounded her money worries, one she would have to share with Jim before she confided to Mother. She once again found herself pregnant. She didn’t know how she would tell him.

  Chapter Eight

  Annie sat with her elbows on the kitchen table, resting her forehead on her clasped hands. She sniffled and reached into an apron pocket for her handkerchief. When she heard Jim’s voice and the children’s laughter through the outside door, she stood up and briskly brushed away her tears. Bobby exploded through the entrance, letting in the cool spring breeze. Jim held Jack’s small pudgy hand - he was just starting to walk - as they followed Bobby inside. The children’s cheeks were rosy and Jim’s hair was windblown.

  “Well Annie, ah think that ah’ve tired them out with all that fresh air. They’ll be ready for a good snooze.” Annie gave Jim a quick kiss on the cheek and turned to fetch some biscuits from a tin on the counter.

  “There you go, boys,” she said. “You can have one each with your milk, then off to bed for your nap.”

  “Is your headache any better?” Jim asked.

  She forced a smile. “I’m fine.” But she heard the false tone in her own voice. She hadn’t yet told Jim about the baby; the time had never seemed right to add to his financial worries.

  Later, when the boys were sleeping and Jim was reading in his favourite chair, Annie picked up her mending basket and sat down in her rocking chair, mindlessly sorting through the clothing. Looking at Jim, she thought, He’s reading that damned pamphlet again and likely dreaming of New Ontario. How are we going to manage? She was at least five months along now; she couldn’t hide it much longer. I will have to tell him today.

  She studied her husband. He was so engrossed in his reading that he didn’t notice her gaze. He was thirty years old now and wore his thick, brown hair short, but he still looked youthful with his slim, muscular build. She noticed a new frown line between his brows.

  Oh Lord, give me strength. She steeled herself to deliver the news.

  Jim held out his ragged pamphlet towards Annie. “Listen to this! Ye can buy land fo’ fifty cents an acre and just pay a quarter of the price in cash an’ the remainder within three years. We could buy a farm property wi’ just twenty dollars. Your dream of owning a house could actually come true!”

  Annie sighed. They had been having this conversation for many months. “But we’d be so far away from our families, Jim! We might never see them again. I do want to own our own house some day but why can’t we do it here?”

  “Annie, we could never in a lifetime afford property here, but it’s possible in New Ontario.” He leaned back in his chair. “Just think about it, love. We could build a better future for our boys.” He looked at her and frowned. “There’s something else bothering you, isn’t there?”

  She felt her throat constrict. Her eyes welled with tears and her voice broke. “We’re going to have another child.”

  Annie watched Jim’s face grow pale, but then he quickly rose from his chair and pulled her up into his arms, knocking the mending to the floor.

  “Divent fash yousel’, Annie. A bairn is a blessin’! We’ll manage just fine.”

  Annie shook her head. She knew he was trying to hide his concern from her and she wondered how they’d ever get ahead.

  She suffered with heartburn and nausea over the following month, then her legs and feet ballooned. She didn’t recall having such discomfort in her other pregnancies and she took it as her punishment. She shamefully admitted to herself that she didn’t want this unexpected baby.

  Annie had to rest in bed more often than not, but her mother came over regularly to help care for Bobby and Jack. Sometimes she took them to visit the cemetery. Once, Annie overheard them talking as they left the house.

  “Your sister Maggie was a little tinker. She would just have to smile at her granddad Kidd to get a treat. She looked very much like your own Mamma when she was a little girl.”

  Annie heard Bobby’s high-pitched voice. “I thought only old people died. Why did she have to die?”

  Annie wiped a sudden tear from her eye as she heard her mother answer, “I don’t know, poppet. We still love her very much and will never forget her.”

  The following week, Annie felt more energized, so she sent the boys outside to play as she caught up on household chores. She was surprised to hear a sharp rap at her door and recognized the tall, skeletal vicar from their church.

  “Mrs. Kidd,” he sputtered in a rage, “your children have done damage in the church cemetery. You must come with me immediately.”

  She had not forgotten how the vicar had treated her when she and Jim got married – he’d been a condescending toad. She blushed at the irony that she was once again very pregnant.

  Annie frowned and forced herself to reply calmly. “Vicar Brown, my sons are only little boys. How do you know it was Bobby and Jack?”

  He puffed out his thin chest. “My dear Mrs. Kidd, my good wife caught them in the act!”

  That old busybody, Annie thought. The vicar’s wife was known for seeking faults in everyone. Now she’s picking on children?

  She followed the vicar as quickly as she could. It was only a ten minute walk, but she was almost nine months pregnant and moving was difficult. Her hips hurt with all the extra weight, and she was tired of sharing her body. This baby needs to arrive soon! she thought miserably.

  When she finally reached the cemetery, she paused for a moment, pressing her hands to the small of her back to ease the pressure. She looked around as she stretched, and burst into peals of laughter. There, on Maggie’s little gravesite, was a small mountain of flowers. The boys had gathered every bouquet and floral arrangement from all of the other graves and piled them on Maggie’s plot.

  Annie saw the colour rise in the vicar’s face, so she stifled her laughter. In as serious a voice as she could muster, she said, “I’m very sorry, Vicar Brown. I will bring my boys back to apologize to you and we will place all the flowers back where they belong.” She waddled away, her suppressed laughter erupting as soon as she was out of sight.

  Annie laughingly recounted the story to her mother the following day.

  Her mother’s face reddened. “Oh Annie, I’m drea
dfully sorry. It’s my fault for taking them there and filling their heads with stories about Maggie.”

  “It is nobody’s fault. They’re just little boys who wanted to show their love for their sister. It was a beautiful tribute.” She laughed again. “I just hope their recollection of where they got all the flowers was accurate!”

  As Annie walked the half-mile distance home from Mother’s, with Bobby and Jack in tow, she felt a sharp pain in her abdomen. A few minutes later, she felt another. Mrs. Clinton, the midwife, lived in a tidy cottage near the church, so Annie decided to stop there on her way. Before Annie could knock, Mrs. Clinton swung the door wide. The kindly midwife greeted Annie, “I saw you coming, love.” She quickly picked up her birthing basket, her small, compact body braced for action. “I’ve everything I need here and I’ll go with you.”

  She reached into a pocket and gave each of Annie’s boys a peppermint sweet. The children looked at Annie for her consent, thanked the woman and ran on ahead. Mrs. Clinton held Annie’s elbow and chatted nonstop as they slowly walked the rest of the way home, stopping every few minutes to help Annie breathe through her contractions.

  When Jim came home from work, he took his sons to a neighbour’s house. He returned in minutes and sat beside Annie to offer what comfort he could. She was in great pain. Every so often Mrs. Clinton shooed Jim out of the bedroom so she could check Annie’s progress, but each time she called him back; it wasn’t yet time. As the hours passed, the pains grew harder and harder to bear. Annie crushed Jim’s hand and clawed at his arm, screaming in agony. He brought her a cool cloth, a drink of water, but she pushed everything away. She could only think about the pain.

  After six long, agonizing hours, the midwife told Jim to go and get a doctor. Jim looked at Annie, the fear plain on his face. Within fifteen minutes, Jim came back with Dr. Bootiman, the same doctor who had cared for Maggie.